Permission to fail
If you're anything like me, you strive for excellence in your work. You don't settle for anything less than the best, not just your best, but THE best. And maybe, for the most part, you've succeeded without going above and beyond. Being good at what you do becomes a part of your identity.
But as you progress in your academic journey, you encounter tougher requirements and fiercer competition. Suddenly, being the best (or even just your best) demands more effort and time. You find yourself struggling. Your self-perception as someone "smart" feels threatened, and self-doubt starts to creep in.
This happened to me during my master and after. When I was working on my thesis topic, I sat at home at my makeshift desk at 8pm. I was tired, but time was pressing on, so I had to continue. Nothing was really working, I didn't understand half of what I was reading to find the solution to the problem and on top of that Covid was happening.
I began questioning if this is truly what I wanted and can do, or if I'm simply not cut out for it. Feelings of helplessness and overwhelm set in because things don't always go according to plan, but I can only control so much. Is it imposter syndrome, or am I genuinely not skilled enough?
I decided to put down the problem for the day and watch Netflix before going to bed. About an hour later, I felt like my breath was not deep enough. My heart rate went up. I could feel my heart pounding and my head getting clouded. What in the world was going on?! Was I going to die?
It was a panic attack (which I didn't know at the time). Not the first one either, but they are infrequent and seemingly out of nowhere, so I never made the connection. These thoughts of inadequacy and general stress feed my anxiety and fuel my panic attacks. Even if it does not always escalate to a panic attack, the feeling of anxiety does impact my daily life.
I went to a general practitioner the next day to ask about the symptoms and that I just wanted them to stop. I cried in their office. They said I should probably visit a therapist. Fortunately, I was able to find one quickly and, through their guidance, I've learned to self-reflect and develop a healthier perspective as well as coping strategies for stress. I want to share with you one crucial lesson I've learned:
You have permission to fail.
Yes, you read that right. It's okay to experience failure in life and to let go of the pressure to always succeed. Things don't always unfold as expected. Sometimes circumstances are beyond your control, leaving you unable to intervene. Does this mean you shouldn't care about anything? Absolutely not. It simply means you shouldn't obsess over it. Remember, your inherent worth is independent of your productivity or the results you achieve, even if it may not always feel that way. Embrace the fact that setbacks and mistakes are part of the journey, and they can provide valuable lessons along the way. It's through these experiences that we grow and develop resilience.
It seems like cheap life advice, but I had and still have a hard time accepting it. So I hope that hearing it from another person, even if this person is an internet stranger, helps you to accept this as well.
To deal with feelings of overwhelm and anxiety, acceptance is the first step. Then you can try to incorporate more mindfulness/meditation practices and sport into your life. If you feel like you cannot manage this on your own, seek the help of a therapist. There is nothing wrong with going to therapy, and it was a big help for me personally. Before going to a therapist, you can also try the Psychosoziale Studierendenberatung (PSB) of the university or just calling a hotline that helps with personal struggles. Telling friends and family can also help, but I found the perspective of an outsider very insightful and much more neutral.